Acrohydrophobia

I decided I had enough.  I was roughly 70 feet above the deck, maybe another 20 feet shy of my partner belaying me off the GT ledge, but I wasn’t going any further.  A few moves below my current position the thought of wanting to come down entered my mind.  Not fearful of falling (I have complete trust in my partner and his skills) and not because I felt the climb was too difficult either.  All I did was look up.  I saw what looked like miles of vertical rock and a wide open sky and said to myself, “nah, I think I’ll pass”.  I wasn’t in a tailspin of hysterical panic; I just didn’t want to go any higher.

That was Pitch 1 of Easy-V (5.3), a popular beginner lead climb found on the Arrow Wall in The Gunks.  I lowered off not feeling defeated nor was my desire to climb deflated, but I felt like I needed a few minutes to get my head in the game.  Today is my second day on rock this year.  A few weeks back I’m top-roping 30 feet off the ground and today I’m looking at 100 foot plus climbs with exposure.  I’m trying to adjust my mental altimeter as well as differentiate irrational fear from mental discomfort.  My partners, John and Ryan, have just rapped back down and the rope is threaded through the bolted anchors just above the first pitch of Arrow, 5.8 (pitch 1 is rated around 5.6).  I waste no time in getting back on the rock and manage to work through my anxiety and climb.  I get through it, and I'm already feeling better. 

 

Easy V follows crack on right, Arrow route on rock face above the short tree on left

 

Our next climb was Northern Pillar.  Pitch 1 is more of a short scramble to a wide ledge just above a 50 ft. slab.  From there, Pitch 2 of the climb follows a well-protected face for about 75 feet until you come into a cave-like corner with a belay/rappel tree.  As I started up Pitch 2 I felt a little stab of fear but kept my focus on the rock in front of me instead of looking up.  About halfway up the discomfort made its way back into my mind and was battling with my ambition to finish the climb.  For strength, I thought of my Dad.  My Father died a little over 6 months ago after a long and cruel bout with cancer.  My Father had never been much of an athlete or outdoorsy kind of guy due to being raised in the city.  He also had physical limitations from being overweight.  I can’t say whether or not my Dad would have tried climbing if he was able to, but I’d like to think he is watching over me while I climb and proud of me for overcoming my fears.  So instead of stopping when I got nervous I would say to myself, “this is for you Dad” and make the next move to go higher.  I made it up a bit shaken, but at the same time genuinely happy to be climbing.  Despite my nerves I wanted to be doing this.  And the 50 ft. slab section below, a height I would be very comfortable with, contained several interesting climbs as well as an easy route I was considering leading. 

 

Following 2nd Pitch of Northern Pillar



John belaying from the top of Northern Pillar



But sadly, this was where our day ended.  On the drive up it had been pouring rain and the forecast was calling for showers throughout the day.  When John and I got to the Gunks the rain had stopped and the rock was dry.  After climbing Arrow we felt a few drops on our walk over to Northern Pillar.  And it was just as Ryan finished Pitch 2 did the rain begin falling again.  Rappelling down the face my shoes slid off the rock as if it were ice.  Ryan had said Gunks rock becomes extremely slippery when wet and we all agreed that climbing in these conditions is out of the question.  One thing I had been fearing leading up to this day (besides heights) was the chance it would be ruined by rain.  A few days prior, the forecast was calling for sunshine and all three of us had confirmed the day would be a go.  But the day before the chance of rain had increased from 10 to 50 percent and all we could do was hope to spared or that it would only be a slight passing shower.      

 

Rappelling off of Northern Pillar as the rain falls



One of the reasons I decided to try rock climbing a few years ago was because of my fear of heights and wanting to conquer that fear.  Along with the physical demands of climbing rock, there’s also the technical aspect of safety and if you throw in a fear of heights you got yourself quite a cocktail of challenges to overcome.  Fear is ok.  Fear keeps you modest.  But when fear turns to panic and panic becomes a distraction your performance is affected.  And in climbing performance is not just about climbing, it’s also about safety.  I know my limitations and have no desire to push myself in situations where I could compromise my safety.  However, in order to grow as a climber, and a person you do need to face your fears and find the strength overcome them.  While I haven’t quite defeated my fear of heights (and I may never get over heights) I decided not to let my emotions inhibit me.  And I learned that for next time I all I got to do is a say a little prayer, keep calm, and climb on.